A friend in deed.

Feeling what I feel everyday for two hours in the evening, alone, I logged into orkut looking to reach out to a friend. But I didn't. Don't want to intrude on their lives.

I go through my friend's list only to find that I only recognise names and faces but I don't know them. They don't know me either. They don't know where I have been, where I am or where I am going.

I can't share with these people the memories that shaped me. The people in my memories are creating their own elsewhere in the real world. I don't want to intrude on them either.

I think the idea of friends has changed. You can no longer reach out to them or lean on them when you need them. You now have to keep a bank of friends like a fixed deposit that you can dip into when it matures. Orkut is not exactly helping. I seems to be merely an exercise at informal networking that seems to say, "Lets not lose touch for in the future I might be able to use you and vice versa." Being networked seems more important than being there.

There is no real connection. I want to feel connected to my friends but online is not the way. I don't feel connected to anybody. The lines are all down.

I want to feel. Feel anything. Anger, happiness, joy, sorrow, pain, anxiety, frustration, excitement. I am unable to feel anything for longer than a heartbeat. I want to feel an emotion, harness it and ride it like a surfer on a tsunami.