Beginning at the end

“Diabolic. Servitude. Gratitude. Attitude. What are these terms? What are they referring to? “ These were the words the blocked writer started to type on his old typewriter in an effort to kick start his imagination. He took a long drag from his pack of Benson & Hedges as pondered the sources of these words.

Words do not pop into your head at random. Words are thrown into your mind from the depths of your sub conscious. “Where did these words come from?”

The writer leaned back in his chair and stubbed out his cigarette in his overflowing ashtray. He lifted his arms over his head and folded them under his head. He put his feet up on the edge of the table. He was now completely relaxed in a position that most would find terribly uncomfortable. But that was the story of this man’s life. He was comfortable in positions most wouldn’t.

He took a breath and thought about the word diabolic. Where did that come from? Was it from the movie by the same name that had a very hot leading lady whose name he had now forgotten? Was it an aspect of his personality that tried to run away from? Did he aspire to be diabolical? Would his life have been better had he chosen to be diabolical?

He dismissed these thoughts. He had made his choices. He was now living with them. Being diabolical would have filled him with hatred and torn him apart from within. No he was better off now. He had made the right choices.

Servitude and gratitude. These words had affected his life a great deal more. His schooling taught him servitude and life had taught him gratitude. He had to unlearn servitude. He had to learn to be grateful for the right things. Servitude and gratitude to humans were in vain. These he had learnt the hard way. It had taken a long time but now he was no longer serving other humans or being grateful to them.

While his servitude to humans may have ended, he now served his craft which was far more demanding than any human. His craft gave him pride and dignity in return for his servitude while humans took these away. His craft gave him humility and the right attitude to life.

These thoughts brought him peace. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He dreamed of writing the novel that would define the literary style of the twenty first century. He dreamt that he was speaking in front of an audience of thousands after having won a prestigious award. In his dream he heard the deafening applause that rose to a crescendo. People were on their feet as he descended from the stage and walked towards the exit.

The door opened in front of him. A white light shone and he walked towards it.

Dog day afternoon

Dog day afternoon

The searing heat was burning my skin. The humidity was in the high eighties. I was doing my usual rounds in T Nagar on Venkatnarayana Road near natesan park. I shared a few biscuits with some buddies at the tea stall on the corner and decided to cool my heels in the shade of some trees in the park. I walked around looking for a place to rest. Apparently others had the same idea and all the good spots were taken. I walked around and saw an old man sitting by himself on a bench. He smelt funny. His hair was matted and his clothes were in tatters. He looked at me and smiled instantly revealing a few missing front teeth. The yellow of his teeth presented a stark contrast to his dark grimy skin. I hesitated. I wanted to move on but the heat was getting the better of me and i had to get some rest. I smiled at him and walked towards the bench.

“God!” This man had a very distinctly powerful smell. It was over powering. I just held my breath and tried to sleep. Just as I made myself comfortable, the man made a move to touch me. From the corner of my eye, I saw him stretch his hand out towards me. I jumped up instantly and walked away from the bench. “What was that guy trying to do? This place is full of weirdos.”

Resuming my search for another spot to catch forty winks, i walked around the park again. “Aha!” A good spot had just been vacated. I ran quickly to the place and made myself comfortable. “Whew! Finally I can relax.”

The sea breeze had just set in and the gusty afternoon wind lulled me into sleep. I dozed off.

“Mmmmm! That is a pleasant smell.” I opened my eyes to locate the source of this divine fragrance. As I swivelled my head around I saw her. I could not see her face. She had just walked past me and her fragrance trailed her. I was captivated by this smell. “How she walked!”

She walked tall, confident with a hint of haughtiness. She was well groomed. She was one of those uptown girls. “What was she doing in Natesan park? Was she lost?”

Just then, she turned around and her big brown eyes caught mine. She stopped in her tracks. She held my eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I fell in love instantly. She moved her head as if to suggest that I should walk with her. She said “woof” in a tone that could only mean one thing. I wanted to howl in pleasure but decided to play it cool. I replied “woof” and trotted off after. It was a dog day afternoon after all.

Chair

A four legged piece of furniture meant to take the weight of your body and provide it much needed rest and support. A chair is a work of art. A good chair definitely is a work of art. Finding a good one these days is next to impossible. A good chair must necessarily fit the contours of your body. The mass produced ones these days just do not. It is a gross attempt at a one-size-fits-all that has gone miserably wrong.
A good chair must be made of wood. Plastic chairs, while cheap, light and easy to move around just do not appeal to my aesthetic sensibilities. Not only do they look ugly, but also you can’t lean back on just the hind legs without slipping and breaking your neck. They are good for concerts and plays, weddings and other public gatherings, provided they are all the same colour. I can’t imagine having plastic chairs as furniture in my house. Plastic chairs used in the living room shows a distinct lack of taste and class.
I had visited the house of a high net worth individual for an ethnographic project. This man started his life as an electrician. After several years of toiling as an electrician, he set up a company doing electrical writing for IT parks and offices. He became very wealthy very soon. I went to his house to interview him. There were plastic chairs in the living room. I thought to myself, “This man has a lot of money but has poor taste. No amount of money will help him acquire good taste. What is the point of having a lot of money if you do not have good taste.”
A good chair must be level. The most annoying chairs are the ones that are not level. The legs are not aligned and the chair is unstable. A stable chair gives you a feeling of secure comfort. With one leg shorter than the others, a rickety chair can shake the confidence out of a man.
Picture this. A fresh wannabe corporate hi-flier attends an interview. He enters confidently and sets himself down on a chair with one short leg. The chair rocks every time he shifts his weight. His mind starts focussing on the chair. He starts to wonder if the chair is going to give way. He starts to think of his posture and his body language. He tries to use his legs to stabilise the chair. He sits at the edge of the seat to prevent the rocking. While his mind is now thinking about the chair and his posture, he has failed to grasp the import of the question he has been asked. He says awkwardly, “Could you repeat the question?” By now a bead of sweat has broken on his fore head, is trickling its way down the side of his face. He wants to reach for the hand kerchief in his trouser pocket. To do this, he must lean back against the chair to reach into his trousers. As he does this, the chair rocks back and he loses his balance along with his composure. He fumbles in his pocket for the kerchief. He yanks it out of his pocket and dabs the sweat bead when he hears the words “Are you listening? What do you think” Our otherwise articulate candidate has not paid any attention to the interviewers and mumbles “ummm! errr!”. He then hears the words “It was very nice talking to you. We will get back to you soon.” He exits the room swearing “Damn that chair!”
I have suffered bad chairs all my life. The worst was in the seventh standard. Our class was given chairs with built-in writing tables. These chairs were designed for right handed individuals. I went through an entire year sitting in an awkward twisted position just because some idiot carpenter assumed that every individual was born right handed.
Chairs also tell you where you are in the corporate hierarchy. I noticed this when the office where I worked was renovated and we were assigned new chairs. The administrative staff and secretary pool were assigned chairs with a hard back and cushioned sear. These chairs did not have arm rests. The support staff was worse off. They received only cushioned stools. I was a junior executive. Hence I was entitled to a chair with cushioned seat and back rest. The chair had wheels and arm rests. You could only sit with a straight back on this chair. This chair did not support the lower back. It was as if the management was telling us that the chairs were there to help us work and not relax. My boss and all those senior executives sitting in glass cabins received chairs upholstered in red. The chair was ergonomically designed to support all the vertebrae. The chair reclined to an almost supine position. It was the company’s way of rewarding deceit, delegation, sucking up, back stabbing, plagiarism and abdication. The company was telling us to work our ass off so that we may one day be able to enjoy the comfort of an ergonomically designed chair. One of the perks of promotion was a more comfortable chair. It is surprising that many intelligent, educated individuals willingly submit to this subtle discrimination and humiliation. Corporate cubicle farms are no better than factories in during the industrial revolution in their treatment of employees. The chair symbolises this appalling fact. I do not wish to end my working life thinking “I wish I had a better chair”
Chairs inside airplanes are another example of class discrimination. Chairs in first class are wider, have more leg room and recline to almost 180 degrees. Those of us travelling in economy are squeezed into seats that barely accommodate your derriere with back rests that recline just enough to remind you that you are not special. I prefer flying low cost airlines. At least there is no discrimination. No one on the plane gets reclining seats or adequate leg room. We are all equally forced into 18 square inches of space. The funny thing about airline service questionnaires is that they never have any questions about the comfort of the chairs. I still do not understand why human beings are denied basic comfort in the pursuit of profits. The uncomfortable chairs inside airplanes fly in the face of their claims of unmatched customer friendliness.

random words

Chair arm cram gin charm arming main can man rim marching. Now dawn nod wow dad wand down drawn draw wad ward won. Nag will long lion nil won now owl ill allow. Lines giggle gig legs single sin egg lens. Drew weed wired dew veered wide drive rid dire. Work ark stray wade mare tie ripe toy up in to may mat rat art tar wand fawn rim rope pore sport storm most start way say sway pay poll lick kill fill done doom mood fawn new wed seen does sand dunes. Grip pipe grape shape map paw. Saw ware sewer wed dog mode median man. Lay endear gender personal agenda was continue always. Power may be that writing will not chapter of love. Reading stories why over that may become shit.
Else stick which river crime should revoke spare life. Demand ended mend. Work shop tremble steel. Last business to achieve these goals happen. Wiring wing winning win wring wire reign rein wine green winner inner ring gin rig wig grin. Art part trap are true ape apt pure repeat taper rape par rap pat tap apart pate tar rat.
Exit excite get next tie exciting cent. Lab slab bad ideals bide sale sad sable said sailed bailed led basil die. Got tub dung tong but in ion bond bind bound gin. Dime dome did die mid. Perverts serve. God rod nod rid did dip dig rind ring. Dung ant din aunt gaunt daunting. Plan plain plaits plants giants pliant. Ion man main mountain mount. Pipe pip pits pit pose site. Ski den skid side skin.
Grade rave ever gear grave dear read drag age gave. Ask pack page cake gap cage age packages. Self full sell fully sully fuel use. Said sad mile mild elm smile maid mad dame idle ail mislaid dismal mail mailed dial dais sail lime. Poly lip politely.
Zest incest zinc inset set cent ice sent scent. Verbal bail able bale brave. Bum ramble rumble bell beam mare. Nose send fend doe sod. Late mate mat tea eat ate lame male salt salute same amulet. Cape escapist cap cast past pass pice cases.
Tree pint expire peer exit rin nit.

Today

Started the day running 20 kms. I struggled through the distance. I told myself that I should take it easy the first half and push myself in the second half. I guess I shuold not do any such thing. I should just find my rhythm and go for it. While I finished the run today, I am not happy with the number of walking breaks I took. Frankly i know i am capable of much better but what happens to my confidence. My confidence in myself is not absolute, it seems relative to the others in the group. How does one develop will power and mental strength?

I have to evaluate my life and my goals. I am 31 years old. I have recently come into possession of my own apartment. I want to make more money just like everyone else. Should i try something new?

I have a good thing going now. I guess I should just work on doing it better. what do i want to do. I want to write and stage some plays. I have some ideas, i do not know why i just do not get on with it. It is frustrating. What am i waiting for? i do not know. I guess I will know only when i try.

I want to be fit. I want to have a fit body but my paunch is a big let down. I do not look the way i want to. How do i reduce my paunch. More exercise better diet. More self control. I eat when i am bored. I guess i should try and avoid boredom.

I want to save money but the waiting is killing and the process to long. Why can i not just make a lot of money in like in a lottery? It is a question of faith i guess.

I guess i am not clear about the things i want. Let me try and aput them down on paper. I will do that now.

People bother me. They are not around when i need them. Maybe i am not around when they need me. Why do i not reach out? Does that make me weak? The people I expect to respond do not when i do reach out. Anyway this is just the rambling of a bored mind. Think i shall go to bed now.

Maybe i want too many things. I cannot prioritise my wants. Hmm maybe there lies the problem

Apartment

I had a fairly long list of things to do and i managed pretty well. I am unable to move forward on my apartment. I have brought myself in to this position by bringing in two people who seem to have vested interests in this project. I find it hard to trust both. One, who claims to be my friend, seems more interested in making money out of me. The other, i do not know what this person wants. I just need to remove myself from the shackle of these two and move forward to completing this project on my own.

Both of them seem to have very definite ideas on how i should live. I do not agree with either of them.

All i want is for someone to execute the interiors of my house to my expectations. The way i want it done. Instead I have people trying to add value by thinking. I am therefore an unwilling victim of their constipated thinking. People give their suggestions like they know something. They possibly think their suggestions are actually welcome. To hell with these people.

I guess I just have to take charge of the situation. I am not the kind who can soft peddle, therefore i must be prepared for some emotional outbursts. I should also be prepared for some social repercussions. If that is what it takes to live the way I want, so be it.

Thought for the day

"There is danger there - a very real danger to humanity. Consider, Watson, that the material, the sensual, the worldly would all prolong their worthless lives. The spiritual would not avoid the call to something higher. It would be the survival of the least fit. What sort of cesspool may not our poor world become?" - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle in the words of Sherlock Holmes.

1000 words a day

Ray Bradbury said that if you wirte 1000 words day, every day then you can become a writer. Today i shall begin.

Sean Connery in the movie Finding forrester said, "write first, think later". I shall try to do the same.

One more attempt at all the jotting down all the random thoughts that run through my head.

Played a game of scrabble online and lost. Am in the process of losing another one. It is just a game. So what. Perhaps my vocabulary of six and seven letter words is limited. Need to build that up. If you read my blog, you will find hardly any six and seven letter words. I need to improve my vocabulary of words with no vowels.

Why am I writing like this? I think that i am wiriting to an audience. There is a part of me that is conscious of the fact that people do read this blog. So am i being entirely honest? Is this going to keep me from being honest? Should I just go back to writing in my diary and not sharing my thoughts. OR should i filter these thoughts?

Perhaps I should just pick a noun and write about it as suggested by Ray Bradbury. Let me start with the noun "Friend". Let us see what the dictionary has to say about this word. Hang on. I've got to get my oxford dictionary. There is no other that is worth looking up.

Friend (n). 1. a person that one likes and knows well. 2. a familiar or helpful thing. 3 a person who supports a particular cause or organisation

Someone once told me this, " Some people maybe friendly but they may not be your friend. Some people maybe unfriendly but they may be your friend"

I guess friendship is very important to one's well being. Of the five books that comprise the panchatantra, two are dedicated to friends. The first book which is the largest is called "the loss of friends". This book has 34 stories. The second a smaller book is called the "winning of friends" has 10 stories. what does this tell you? There are more ways to lose friends than to win them? I don't know.

The definition of a friend does not have the word "loyal" or the concept of loyatly attached to it. Let us take definition 2 of the word friend, 'a familiar or helpful thing'. It is implicit that if a thing or person ceases to be helpful, he/she is no longer a friend.

I cannot agree with the first definition of friend 'a person that one likes and knows well'. We like someone because we do not know them well enough. When you know someone well enough then a choice is made to like them inspite of their short comings. There are times, more often than not, when you dislike someone after you get to know them. Then do they stop being friends? What do you do if you do not want to be friends with someone? That is easy enough. Just stop talking to them.

What happens when you think that someone is your friend but they do not think the same? What do you do when people get friendly with you just to use you? I do not know who my friends are. What can you expect from friends? Can you expect anything at all?

One can expect gifts from friends. This gift and act if gifting is an expression of this friendship. Your friends gift you things that they think you want or need. Most often they get it wrong. At least i do. And the moment of truth is when the recipient of the gift opens the gift and tries to conceal their disappointment or fake happiness.

Can I expect a friend to make sacrifices for me? Am i a good friend if I expect my friend to make a sacrifice?

I expect a friend to give me time when i need it. Is this a realistic expectation?

I expect a friend to maintain confidences and not use information given in confidence to mock me or hurt me. This has never happened.

Can i expect a friend to not be friends with those i am not friends? fat chance!

What I did today

Woke up late. I listened to music till midnight yesterday and then started chanting. I don't know when i actually went to sleep. I woke up at 10 minutes to seven. Late. I had to be at work at 8:45. I intended to leave early and get there on time. My purpose was defeated when i sat in front of the Television. It is a time stealer. I am addicted to Sony Pix. Even when there is nothing interesting on tv, i wait hoping that the next program or the next song might be better. IT is the bane of my existence. I do not intend having a tv in my apartment. Let us see. hmmm.

I got to the office 15 minutes late. My colleagues were waiting for me. I felt like shit. Not that i know how shit feels. Lets us just say, that i felt bad. I shall try to be on time tomorrow.

My task for that morning was to meet, photograph and capture on video a man who owns a sweet shop. We were greeted at the gate by a very simple man in a simple trousers and a shirt. Style is not a word in his vocabulary or his wardrobe. He led us to the kitchen where the sweets are made. He led us up a path. The floor was wet, grimy and slippery. I don't know if it was from the rain last night but my first thought was, "how can they cook anything in this place?"

We passed two giant grinders. There was a man in a dhoti and a vest emptying the contents of one of the grinders. He looked dirty. Maybe he was just dark skinned. Maybe it was just the place. There was soot on the walls and the vessels were blackend with years of use behind them.

We walked into the kicthen. It was grimy and sticky. The men who worked there didn't look at all clean. Maybe they were clean but their appearance and attire did not give that impression. For one, i think people working in kitchens should not have any hair or pock marked faces. There was one guy with a large bulbous nose who deserves a facial especially to get rid of all those blackheads on his nose.

Anyways, there were three men concentrating on a red, semi-solid, slippery, aromatic concoction that was their speciality - Tirunelveli wheat halwa. It had to be stirred constantly to reach the right consistency. It required three men taking turns to keep stirring. We shot this and i was ready to leave.

We were led to another kitchen on the first floor. We were informed that the kitchen we saw first was the kitchen that has been in use for the last forty years. The kitchen in the first floor was brightly lit. The floor was dry. The tables were stainless steel and clean. There was no soot on the walls. The people working upstairs seemed cleaner. Is it because of the surrounding? The first floor was used for making north indian sweets.

Is this reflection of society. South indian sweet - grimy, old, unclean and unattractive. North indian sweet - new, clean and attractive.